I have been doing a great deal of introspective work lately on my weight gain. Why have I failed to become the poster child success story I set out to be when I first started blogging for Aaron Snyder?
A year ago mid February, I was jubilant about working with Aaron. Our publicist introduced us. She thought Aaron and I would be a great match in our work endeavors. He had written a successful book about weight loss and diabetes and was launching a website, New Diabetes Rx.com. His objective was to lead people to successful weight loss, control of their diabetes, and promote a lifestyle change and a mindset change.
What I brought to the table was a big fat body, an enthusiastic spirit, and a willingness to be really honest about my failures as well as my successes. I was and am the real deal. I have tried just about every single diet out there at least once, some countless times over and over again. I needed Aaron’s help, and he asked me to be honest about the program and to blog.
As I told you before, I had lost about twenty-two to twenty-five pounds. I have gained most of it back. Like many people, I started out raring to go, then, for many reasons, I slipped back into old habits.
The reasons I have gained weight back, and lost it, and gained it have nothing to do with my program. Every diet I have ever tried has worked. I just stop the process by not working the diet.
Like many of us, I am an emotional eater. When I am under stress, or sad, or if I am angry, or frustrated, all I can think about is eating. Binge eating. If my life is out of control, so am I. Wow, look at my size and me! You would think my life must be a complete shambles.
On the contrary, I have a great job that I love, and I work with amazing people. Is my job stressful? Extremely.
My personal life with my husband is wonderful. I have married a great and kind and thoughtful man. He makes me feel beautiful, and he is not shy in his love for me.
I was going through some difficult times. I still am. All I wanted to do was eat. I felt so sad and so depressed about my problems.
But the real reason why I have a weight problem is habit. I have been fat most of my life. I have lost and gained weight so many times. I love to eat. As desperate as I am to lose weight, as much as I know how amazing I feel when I am thin, it has not been enough to sustain my will power.
The truth behind my inability to lose weight is simple. I have not embraced the fact that I deserve to put myself first. In my culture, women are raised to put everyone, especially their husband and children, their home, and others before caring for themselves. God forbid should we tell our husband or our children that I will do something after I workout.
It is not that my family would not be supportive. On the contrary, they would love for me to lose weight and do well. They just would love for me to do both. Cater to their needs and workout.
I think we all have these kinds of pressures on our shoulders. It is similar to the guilt a single parent has at missing their child’s school plays because they have to work to support them. The child want’s their parent there, and they want the parent to do well because it makes them feel secure and safe. Yet, when mom or dad doesn’t show up, the child is upset.
That’s kind of how I feel. If I put myself first, I might be letting down the people in my life. It’s all bull. I know it deep down inside that it’s bull. I have found that when I have made the time to exercise, and when I have taken the time to make healthy meals, and when I lose weight, I not only have more energy and feel great about myself, and I still have plenty of time to take care of my family’s needs and wants.
Plus, honestly, I am sick of dieting. I have been dieting, or trying to stick to a diet my entire life. Sometimes, I just want to eat for the sake of eating. I love food.
And there presents the answer, an answer Aaron already gave me over a year ago. I have to stop dieting. Diets don’t work. Losing weight is not about dieting. Losing weight is about choosing a healthy lifestyle. It doesn’t mean we have to give up everything we love, even no-no foods. We just have to come to the realization that certain foods are not healthy for our bodies. And, as Aaron tells us, a bit of something is a far stretch from a binge.
It’s about embracing and desiring health and vitality more than eating. Change one bad habit for a good habit. Understanding we deserve to have a good, healthy life, and we deserve to put our needs first before anyone else’s, is okay. Heck, even on an airplane the flight attendants advise that in the event of an emergency and should the gas masks drop, always put on your mask before you place a mask on anyone else.
Old habits are hard to break. It starts with realization that things need to change. We have to acknowledge the changes we need to make, and commit to making these changes. But that is not enough. We have to recognize the value of what making changes will do for us. If we do, it won’t be so hard to do what we need to do in order to have the life we want and the health we deserve.
Stick with me. There is much introspection left to do and the time has come to face reality. If I don’t appreciate the importance of a healthy lifestyle, then I have no right to complain about ill health and about being fat. This poster child wants to succeed and represent to all future former fatties hope that we can overcome barriers, be they real or in our mind.
My family didn’t hold me back. I held me back. It’s time to take back the streets.
Until we meet again, this is Linda Misleh Wagner, future former fatty.